dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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