8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
