I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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