Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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