when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
