FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
that's an acceptable place to lick
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
