we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
