There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
