We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
