That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
