it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
