I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
