I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
