fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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