Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
