Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
