I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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