Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
