peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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