Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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