Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
