It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
