My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
