I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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