Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
