I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
