no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
