last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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