yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
