I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He passed out mid-signature
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
