she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
