Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
