I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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