I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
