I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
