My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
