I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
