whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
