I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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