I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
