there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
