last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
