I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
