What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Is it penis luge time yet?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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