no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
