Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
