We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
