My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
