Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
