Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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