We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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