sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
