she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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